Disney Without Magic – Aladdin

Welcome back to Disney Without Magic, where I take a classic Disney movie and remove one element.  This time: Aladdin.  This one’s a tough one. How I could possibly remove magic from a movie with so much in it (a flying carpet, a genie, and a talking parrot), you ask?  Well, you’ll just have to wait and see…

Aladdin

The movie starts off pretty much the same, with an introduction from our favorite peddler. “This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man’s life. A young man who liked this lamp was more than what he seemed. A diamond in the rough.”

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“It begins on a dark night…” We see Jafar standing on a balcony of the palace on a moonlit night.  He spies a bird in the distance, a parrot Aladdin fans will recognize as Iago.  [[I hear the mutters already: “But how can Iago talk in a world without magic?” Well, how could he talk in the first place? None of the other animals talk, with the half-exception of Abu, whose words are only semi-intelligible.  See this. Is the ability to talk innate in Disney films or is it magic? Did Jafar use his sorcery to make Iago talk? Doesn’t matter either way.  You’ll see why.]]  The parrot lands on Jafar’s shoulder squawking, “Cave of Wonders! Bwak!”

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Jafar grabs the bird by the neck.  “The Cave of Wonders! Is it true?” Parrot: “Bwak! Go tell Jafar! Bwak! Cave of Wonders!” [If you haven’t noticed by now, the parrot is not Iago.  I’m sure Disney would come up with a name for this Disney sidekick, but I’m too lazy.  We’ll just be calling him “the parrot” from now on.]

Back to the story.  Jafar rushes off to the desert on horseback, heading for the exact location of the Cave of Wonders. (No magic beetle medallion this time.  He already knows where it is.)

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When he arrives, he finds the Cave of Wonders half buried in sand.  It is surrounded by tents and equipment like ropes and pulleys that make it clear that this is a digsite.   There are several dozen workers hauling away sand by the bucketful and erecting stone walls to keep the sand out of the way of the mouth of the cave.  That’ when we first see Iago, the real Iago, as his pet parrot lands on his shoulder.  They are almost identical to each other, master and parrot, and (amazingly enough) both voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.  As they move, their every action is the same.  When Iago gets mad, his parrot gets mad.  The parrot also echoes things that Iago says (of course) as well as Jafar’s hurled insults (that way, Iago gets insulted twice! It’s comedic gold!)

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[[Sidebar: On one of the Aladdin DVD commentaries it says the writers had a motto when it came to writing the story.  “When in doubt, hurt the bird.” That’s why Iago gets maimed so much.]]

Anyway, Iago spies Jafar and waves him over excitedly.  “Jafar! Hey, Jafar!” One of the workers unknowingly throws a bucketful of sand in Iago’s face.  (See? You still get to injure him as a human!) Iago tells Jafar that they managed to uncover the entrance that very night.  Jafar revels in the victory.  “At last, after all my years of searching, the Cave of Wonders!” (“Bwak! Cave of Wonders!”)

He tells Iago about his long search for the Cave of Wonders after it was lost after a terrible sandstorm.  It becomes clear during his exposition that Jafar knows a lot more about this place than he’s telling, and the audience should definitely get the impression that he’s been here before.

Jafar offers treasure to the first of his workers to bring him the lamp hidden within.   “Now, remember! Bring me the lamp. The rest of the treasure is yours, but the lamp is mine!” The workers push each other out of the way for the opportunity to earn riches for their months (or years) of manual labor in the desert.  Just as they’re opening the door (yes, this time, there’s a door deep within the tiger’s mouth that, until recently, had been filled with sand), a voice reverberates across the desert.  “WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?” [Not magic.  Don’t get ahead of me.]  The tiger’s mouth isn’t moving like in the original movie.  It’s just a mysteriously loud voice. Hmmmm… From where though? The workers are terrified.  Some back away, no longer wanting to enter.  Only one guy, Gazeem (he’s the thief from the original movie) is brave enough.

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“It is I, Gazeem, a humble treasure hunter.”  The voice from the Cave of Wonders answers, “ONLY ONE MAY ENTER HERE. A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH.” Of course, no one knows what the Cave of Wonders actually means, so Gazeem goes in.  Just a half a minute after Gazeem enters, we hear a click and a scream, then…nothing.  Gazeem has met a terrible fate. The workers go crazy, yelling and screaming about the haunted cave and run off.  No treasure is worth dying over.  Jafar and Iago muse about what to do (this part plays out like the movie), except with the added part of trying to find someone stupid enough to enter the Cave of Wonders but smart enough not to get killed.   Jafar: “Only one may enter. I must find this one, this…diamond in the rough.”

Cut to Aladdin and the elaborate musical number, “One Jump.”  For a while, the story is going to stay the same.  Aladdin runs from the guards, flirts with some ladies, successfully gets away with the bread, then gives it away to some urchins.  Because he’s a nice guy.

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Afterward, Aladdin tries to save the kids from being trampled by that annoying prince and gets called a street rat just outside the palace doors.  The story deviates for a little here.  We don’t want to take the focus off Aladdin too much, but maybe we’ll slip in a bit of Jafar’s plotting.  Jafar is no doubt watching the parade and sees the guards trying to catch Aladdin after he attacked and humiliated the prince. (Not that he cares, but he probably doesn’t want anyone marrying Jasmine and becoming Sultan but him.)  He stops the main guard and asks him about this street urchin.  The guard tells him all about how he’s just a “street rat” who always seems to outwit them and escape.  Jafar dismisses the guards, then grins slyly to himself.  The wheels in Jafar’s head are turning.

Cut back to Aladdin just as he finished yet another daring escape.  We’re back to the original storyline for now, with Aladdin singing a soulful reprise.  “Riffraff, street rat…I don’t buy that…” Then he dreams of what’s going on in the palace…

Of, course, it’s Jasmine and her father talking about the law requiring her to marry a prince, but she wants to marry for love and get out of the palace for once in her life.

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After their talk, Jafar approaches the Sultan.  The Sultan complains about his suitor problem, then tries to feed the parrot some of his moldy old crackers while talking to Jafar.  In his distraction, he misses the parrot and shoves the crackers into Iago’s mouth instead, never realizing.  Meanwhile, Jafar tries to convince the Sultan to loan him his mystic blue diamond to help “divine” which suitor is best for Jasmine.  The Sultan objects (“But it’s been in my family for years!”) but Jafar convinces him in the end with some hogwash about Jasmine, maybe some reverse psychology about what will happen if Jasmine fails to get married by her next birthday yadda, yadda, yadda… [Note: Jafar in this version is not a sorcerer, but more like a super clever tinkerer.  He doesn’t use hypnosis, because I’m pretty sure that it takes a willing participant, and making his staff do the freaky eye thing is probably beyond his mechanical ability.]  As Jafar departs, victorious in his procurement of the Sultan’s ring, Iago spits out the crackers (complaining, obviously).  Then:

Iago: “Whadda we need that for?”
Jafar: “Were you not listening, my bird-brained sycophant? (Parrot: “Bwak! Bird-brained sycophant!”) Only one may enter.”
Iago: “But I thought we already picked out the mook for the job…”
Jafar grins, malevolently.  Jafar: “Indeed… And I will have my guards extend him an invitation…”

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Back to Jasmine.  She escapes the palace, knowing she can’t stay as long as she’s going to be forced to marry some prince she doesn’t love.  She goes into the marketplace, where she runs afoul of a salesaman, is saved from having her hand cut off due to Aladdin’s quick thinking.  Abu’s greediness, however, exposes them and they have to run.

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Cut back to Iago and Jafar and their plotting.  Normally, this is where Jafar and Iago would use the ring and their weird weather machine to find out that Aladdin is the “diamond in the rough” they need to get the lamp.  But that’s too much on the magicky side of things.  Instead, Jafar is going through shelves of books, tossing them at Iago and (often) hitting him square in the face with them.  At last, he finds a dusty old book and opens it.  Inside, there is an elaborate drawing of the Cave of Wonders not half-buried in sand as it is now.  Here we get some exposition that the Cave of Wonders was actually once a treasure trove of the Sultans many generations ago before it was lost in the desert sands.  Inside, along with all the wealth of Agrabah, was kept a golden lamp.  Jafar: “Only he who held the lamp and possessed what was inside it could be Sultan.  And only one person can enter the Cave to retrieve it.” Iago: “Yeah, yeah… The ‘diamond in the rough.'” Jafar grabs him angrily.  Jafar: “You fool! This is the Diamond in the Rough!” He holds up the Sultan’s blue diamond ring.  [[Buh buh BUH! Yup, in my version, I took the literal route rather than the figurative. Aladdin is still a diamond in the rough kind of character, so it’s a parallel between the two ideas.]]

Jafar: “Only the Sultan could enter the Cave of Wonders.  That’s why Gazeem failed, and that’s why I failed all those years ago! Because we didn’t have this!” In his excitement, Jafar releases Iago from his grip so violently that he flies across the room and hits the bookshelf, which crashes down atop him with a mountain of books squashing him.  Iago: “Swell.”

Back to Jasmine and Aladdin.  They do some flirting on the rooftops of Agrabah, jump off some buildings, check out his sweet digs and almost kiss.  When the guards show up, Jasmine and Aladdin both think they are after them and they run.  Before jumping off a roof, Aladdin extends his hand.  Aladdin: “Do you trust me?”

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Jasmine eventually says yes, then they jump.  Unfortunately, the guards still catch them and try to arrest Aladdin.  Jasmine reveals her identity (and Aladdin realizes that the girl he is now starting to like is a princess) and demands he be released.  She finds out it’s under Jafar’s orders and she has to take it up with him. The story tracks the same for a little while longer.  Jasmine orders Jafar to release Aladdin, to which he tells her that he’s already been executed.  Jasmine is crushed: “It’s all my fault, Rajah. I didn’t even know his name.”

Cut to the dungeon.  Abu helps free Aladdin, then Jafar (disguised as the old beggar man) tempts him with treasure and helps him escape.  They go to the Cave of Wonders.  It’s super deserted with the workers all gone now (except for Iago, whose pops his head up from a pile of sand to say, “Jafar, I’m dying here!” before Jafar shoves him back down into the sand before Aladdin can see him).  It’s also getting super windy–a sign that a sandstorm is a-comin’.

The voice booms from the Cave: “Who disturbs my slumber?” “It is I, Aladdin.” Cave: “ONLY ONE MAY ENTER HERE. A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH.” Jafar gives Aladdin the diamond ring, then waves him on to show the ring to the Cave.  Cave: “PROCEED.” Jafar reminds him, “Remember, boy–first fetch me the lamp and then you shall have your reward.” Aladdin goes in through the door, which has been propped open a crack with a stone by the workers.

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Beyond the door is the typical mountains of gold, gems, etc.  Aladdin and Abu start to go inside, but the instant they do, a trapdoor opens beneath them.  They teeter on the edge, seeing a pit of spikes beneath them, with a skeleton inside it that is obviously Gazeem.  [[Yes, I know he wouldn’t have decomposed that fast, but this is a Disney movie, after all]].  Luckily, Aladdin’s quick street rat reflexes and Abu’s prehensile tail saves them.  As they walk around it, all sorts of traps go off every direction they go–darts flying out at them, pressure plates going off, swinging axes, that kind of thing.  It’s not too bad thus far. They manage to avoid the last trap, then tumble out onto the shore of that underground lake.

Cut to outside.  The wind is really starting to pick up.  Iago’s freaking out.  Iago: “Jafar! The sandstorm!” Jafar: “I’ve waited for this day for ten years… I’m not going to lose that lamp again!”

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Back to Aladdin.  He’s climbed the stairs all dramatically as usual and sees the lamp. Aladdin: “This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to–”

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Aladdin has picked up the lamp, not knowing he had set off the pressure plate the lamp was sitting on a la Indiana Jones.  The stone dais starts to sink and traps start going off everywhere.  Aladdin and Abu make a run for the exit.  As they’re dodging traps, climbing over mountains of gold to avoid the traps (Remember, no magic, so it’s not like the Cave cares whether or not they touch the gold.  That’s what the traps are for), Abu has kind of a mini freakout.  That’s when the “Abu, this is no time to panic!” line gets in there, just as the biggest trap of them all starts to go off, maybe like a wall of fire or something.  “Start panicking!”  In the end, they make it to the entrance, but in trying to avoid the last spike trap, Aladdin falls in and is hanging on for his life.

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There’s the same old scene between him and Jafar (“Throw me the lamp!”), but Jafar double crosses him and takes the lamp, Abu biting him in the process.  He and Iago close the door from the outside (which has already started gathering quite a bit of sand in front of it from the storm), sliding a plank or something through it so Aladdin can’t escape.  Jafar then takes off his disguise and celebrates…except the lamp is gone.  Jafar falls to his knees, yelling furiously to the sky, even as sand begins to pile up all around him.  It is clear from the storm, however, that Jafar’s not going to have time to go back for Aladdin and the lamp without risking being buried in the sandstorm.

Meanwhile, Abu helps Aladdin out of the trap, then reveals the lamp. Aladdin: “Looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Hey, I think there’s something written here, but it’s hard to make out…”

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[[Let’s stop for a moment.  We know Genie’s not going to pop out, because there is no magic and therefore no genies.  But that’s not what I want you to think about.  That line about the writing was straight from the movie.  What was written there? Aladdin never reads it because he rubs the lamp to clean it up, then Genie pops out and starts singing and dancing and whatnot.  In my version, we get to find out.]]

Aladdin (reading): “‘He who possesses the contents of this lamp is deserving of being Sultan.’ Huh.  What do you think’s inside it, Abu?” Abu gets excited, thinking it is rubies or gems or something.  Aladdin takes off the lid and looks inside.   Aladdin’s face falls.  Aladdin: “It’s empty.” Abu pouts.

Just then, there’s a muffled yell from nearby.  Avoiding the traps, Aladdin and Abu go over to a giant stone door.  The voice seems to be coming from behind it.  Aladdin: “Hello?” Just more muffled yells.  Aladdin looks at the door.  There’s no handle, but there is a slot the exact same size as the diamond of the Sultan’s ring.  Aladdin pushes the diamond inside and the door clicks open.  Just then, someone tumbles out. “Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there!”  It’s Genie, only he’s not big and blue anymore.  This is what he looks like:

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Don’t be too disappointed.  In this version, yes, Genie is human.  He’d still be voiced by Robin Williams and still have his madcap, anachronistic, pop-culture-fueled antics, but it’s not going to be Genie poofing into different outfits and whatever.  It’s just going to be references that the audience will get but will seem more like Genie’s been a bit brain-damaged.  For the sake of making it less obvious that Genie is now a human-ified genie, let’s make his name be Jinn or Djinn or one of the alternate spellings of “genie”.  Genie: “But everyone just calls me Genie.”

Genie can show Aladdin around, showing him how to spot and disable or simply avoid the traps.  It is clear he has been here a while and knows the layout well.  Genie can do a tour guide impersonation, showing him where the traps are and making jokes, like “Pressure plate…poison darts…snake pit.  ‘Snakes….Why did it have to be snakes?'” Aladdin and Abu can exchange dubious glances as they consider Genie’s sanity.  Aladdin: “How long did you say you had been down here…?” We find out that Genie has been trapped in the Cave of Wonders for ten years, since the last time it was opened.  Aladdin: “But what about food and water?” Genie (doing an impersonation of a snooty French waiter giving a patron the specials) says, “Ah, we ‘ave a lovely fish from ze underground lake and ze finest casks of ze Sultan’s best wine…” We also find out that it was Genie who was voicing the Cave of Wonders, using a kind of giant megaphone type thing that was in the room he was in.  He accidentally locked himself inside when he went to go use it and had been trapped in there the last day or so since Jafar’s men finally unearthed the door.

At one point, Genie calls Aladdin “Master,” which prompts Aladdin to ask, “Wait a minute! I’m–your master?” Genie reveals that he is a slave, and he assumes that since since Aladdin has the Sultan’s ring and the lamp that he is the Sultan and thus Genie belongs to him.  Aladdin is weirded out by being called ‘master’ and insists that he just call him Aladdin.  (“Can I call you ‘Al’, or maybe just ‘Din.’ Or how about Laddie?”) The later scene where Aladdin and Genie talk about his freedom goes here, with some alterations.  Genie reveals that he longs to be free, but he can’t be until his master sets him free.  Aladdin doesn’t have to wait to set Genie free like in the original; he does it right now.  Then, Aladdin offers to be Genie’s friend.  Genie: “I’ve never had a friend before…”  For this act of kindness, and for helping him out of his predicament earlier, Genie promises to repay Aladdin the life debt.  Aladdin: “That’s a nice offer, Genie, but there’s not much else I need besides getting out of this place and, considering how long you’ve been here, I don’t see how that’s possible…” Genie: “Master, I don’t think you quite realize what you’ve got here! There’s a reason they call me Genie…because I work magic.” [Jazz hands!]

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Cue the music for “Friend Like Me.” There’s only some minor alterations in the lyrics that show that Genie is not magical, just someone who is very good at getting things done for other people.   He’s super creative, handy, etc. He can also work at comically fast speeds.

Genie and Aladdin end up waiting out the sandstorm.  In the meantime, Genie shows him around some more.  He’s had a lot of time to explore over the years.  Aladdin: “I still don’t see how we’re going to get out of here, Genie.” Genie shows him far around the underground lake, down some deep, windy passages, etc.  At the end, there’s another door.  Just like the door in the treasure chamber that Genie was stuck behind, this one has a place for the Sultan’s diamond.  Across the door are the words, “Only one may enter: a diamond in the rough.” Aladdin realizes this is where Genie got the idea for what he told Jafar and the workers.  Genie would have known that he couldn’t get out of the locked room on his own, and anyone who managed to find their way inside the cave couldn’t release him without the ring.  Aladdin uses it and opens the door.  It leads up and out into a back alley of Agrabah, far from the desert–a secret passage for the Sultan.  Aladdin closes the door (the storm is still going on.) Genie: “There’s enough gold here for both of us never to have to worry about money again.” Aladdin: “You won’t have to be a slave anymore!” Genie: “And you can live like a prince!” That’s when Aladdin gets the idea.

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Aladdin asks Genie if he’d like to use his “magic” to help him out with something.  He tells him about Jasmine, and that she can only marry a prince.  They realize that, with the riches from the cave, they can bankroll pretty much any scheme they need.  Genie: “Hang on to your turban, kid, cause we’re gonna make you a star!”

The movie continues as expected for a while.  The Sultan yells at Jafar on Jasmine’s behalf for having executed someone without his permission.  Jasmine makes a threat against Jafar, who realizes that as soon as Jasmine gets married, she’s going to get rid of him.  Iago comes up with the idea that maybe Jafar should marry her.  They enact their plan, Jafar approaching the Sultan to tell him of an old law he found that if no suitable husband is available, the princess should marry the Grand Vizier.  His machinations are interrupted by (what else?) an elaborate musical number!!!!

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[[Note that the elephant is not Abu in this version, nor is there Carpet. (Sorry.  I couldn’t think of a way to keep him as a character.) The elephant is no doubt just an elephant they managed to buy with their mountains of gold.  Abu will still be around a lot, basically filling in the hole left by Carpet (like playing chess with Genie.  “That’s a good move.  I can’t believe it! I’m losing to a monkey!”)]]

There’s a little change here.  When Jafar gets crushed by the opening door during Al’s parade, but when he reveals himself once more (a little worse for wear), Genie sees him and gives a gasp of alarm and hides.  [[This is actually not too different from the original, wherein Genie ducks into the lamp just before the end of the song, his job in making Aladdin’s entrance done.  In my version, Genie ducking away is actually kind of an important detail.]] Aladdin introduces himself, gives the Sultan a ride on his elephant (nearly trampling Iago in the process) while Aladdin and Jafar debate about his worthiness as a suitor.  Then Aladdin opens his big mouth, and Jasmine overhears.  (“I am not a prize to be won!”)  Oops.  Meanwhile, Jafar decides he’s got to get rid of this Prince Abooboo.

Later, Aladdin is sneaking around, trying to find Genie, who has pretty much disappeared.  He finds him hiding in the bushes (with, I’m sure, a soldier-in-a-war-movie schtick waiting for Aladdin when Genie pops out again.) Aladdin asks him why he disappeared and Genie explains that Jafar was his old master.  He sent Genie down into the Cave of Wonders to get the lamp back and abandoned him there.  “Al,” he says, “You gotta help me! You can’t let him take me back!” Aladdin promises he won’t let anything happen to Genie.  In the meantime, however, Aladdin explains the situation about Jasmine and asks for some help.  Genie wants him to try honesty (“Tell her the….TRUTH!!!”) but Aladdin doesn’t want her to know he’s just a streetrat.  Aladdin: “Can’t you work some of your ‘magic?'” Genie reluctantly agrees, and in the meantime, Al goes up to talk to her.

Cue the balcony scene, Jasmine sending Rajah on him, Jasmine starting to think she recognizes Aladdin from the market place, etc.  In the meantime, you can hear the sounds of Genie making an awful racket down below.  Genie pops up at the level of Aladdin’s foot in order to tell Aladdin to stall just a little longer (Aladdin: “What should I do?” Genie: “Talk about her! She’s smart, fun, the hair, the eyes. Anything–pick a feature!”) Genie disappears again and Al’s compliments work against him, bringing down Jasmine’s wrath.  The racket from below stops and Aladdin still does his fake walk-off-the-balcony gag, popping up once more when Jasmine shows concern.  “How did you do that?” she asks.  Aladdin: “I’ll show you.  Do you trust me?”

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Jasmine takes his hand, and she steps out over the balcony and lands on a carpet, seemingly suspended in midair.  It’s actually on a slide, and once they land, the two of them slide down the ramp into an elaborate kind of circus Genie has erected in the courtyard.  Cue “A Whole New World,” but this is a whole other world that Aladdin’s going to show her. Whereas in the original, Aladdin showed her all sorts of beautiful things and landmarks across the globe, this is going to be a world of imagination.  A lot of the magic in this scene will be good camera work–Jasmine and Aladdin seem to be flying past the pyramids and the Sphinx, but they’re just crudely drawn pictures on a canvas that Genie and Abu are moving in the background.  There’s a snow scene with an igloo in it, but then you zoom out and see that it’s a spilled salt shaker and a bunch of sugar cubes piled up.  Genie can make the wind whip their hair with fans, release a flock of birds at them so it’s like they’re flying through them, etc.  The bond that’s formed between them is not because Ali has opened her eyes to a “Whole New World”, but because he has an outlook on the world that’s endearing, and it makes her rethink what she’s often thought of her own imprisonment in the palace.  Life’s really not so bad from a different perspective.

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They end the night (instead of on top of a building watching fireworks) laying next to each other on the carpet, looking up at the stars.  That’s when Jasmine says, “It’s a shame Abu had to miss this.” Aladdin: “Nah.  He doesn’t really like flying.” (This line is actually funnier in this version! They didn’t actually do any flying!) Jasmine calls him out on his lies, which Aladdin covers up as usual.  They say goodnight. Aladdin: “For the first time in my life, things are starting to go right.” Cue the ambush.

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Genie watches from the bushes, wanting to help but so terrified of Jafar that he can’t.  The guards throw Aladdin off the cliff and he starts to sink.  Just about as he’s about to go completely unconscious and possibly drown, we see someone dive in and save him.  It’s Genie, who pulls him up onto shore.
“I’m gettin’ kind of fond of you, kid. Not that I want to pick out curtains or anything…” Group hug!

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Cut back to the palace.  Jasmine excitedly tells her father that she’s chosen Prince Ali, but by this time, Jafar has already convinced the Sultan that Ali has departed and that Jasmine’s only option is to marry him instead.  (Thus, no need for hypnosis.) Aladdin comes back just in time to reveal Jafar’s duplicity, and Jafar and Iago have to flee or be arrested.   (Before they do, however, Jafar sees the lamp hidden in Aladdin’s turban, just like in the original.) The Sultan blesses the future marriage between Aladdin and Jasmine, then congratulates Aladdin and tells him that he will be Sultan.  Aladdin is alarmed by this.

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Back in Jafar’s lair, Iago is freaking out about them going to get arrested and executed while Jafar is just laughing maniacally, having realized that Prince Ali is just Aladdin.  He sends Iago to go get the lamp back.

Meanwhile, Aladdin is panicking about the fact that he is going to have to be Sultan.  He finds Genie in his bedroom, packing and loading up his things–all of the things he’s been using to work his “magic”, like the canvas background from “A Whole New World” and probably some really anachronistic things like the Goofy hat he wears at the end of the original movie.  Genie cheers for him and congratulates him, just like in the original, but then gets right back down to business.

Genie: “Hey, Al, can I borrow that diamond? I just want to pop down to the Cave of Wonders, grab a few gems for the road and then [in a baseball announcer voice] I–am–outta here!!!”
Aladdin: “You’re leaving? Now?”
Genie: “Jafar’s gone and you got the girl! A fairy tale ending! Now, I’m going to celebrate my new-found freedom by seeing what’s out there besides a big, giant tiger’s mouth in the desert.  I’ll send you a postcard, or a pair of those mouse ears with your name embroidered on them!”
Aladdin: “You can’t leave now! They want to make me Sultan–no, they want to make Prince Ali Sultan. Without you, I’m just Aladdin.”

Al takes out the lamp from his turban, looking at it wistfully.  He (and the audience) can clearly see the words printed on it: “He who possesses the contents of this lamp is deserving of being Sultan.” The lamp was empty when they found it, but inside is the Sultan’s ring for safe keeping.  The two items are symbols of the life that awaits Aladdin, a life he’s not ready to face on his own.

Genie: “Al, you won!”
Aladdin: “Because of you! The only reason anyone thinks I’m anything is because of you. What if they find out I’m not really a prince? What if Jasmine finds out? I’ll lose her. Genie, I can’t keep this up on my own. I can’t let you leave.”
Genie: (Sarcastically) “Hey, I understand.  You saved my life, I saved yours.  Maybe saving someone from drowning wasn’t the same as opening a locked door…  After all, you’ve lied to everyone else. Hey, I was beginning to feel left out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, master...”

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Genie leaves, betrayed that Al had claimed to be his friend and now is treating him like a slave again.   Angry, Aladdin throws a pillow on top of the lamp as if trying to bury them.  But then, Aladdin realizes his mistake, decides to tell the truth to Jasmine and leaves.  Iago sneaks in and steals the lamp once he’s gone.

Abu, watching from the window, tries to chase after Iago but is attacked by the parrot.  Abu goes to find Aladdin, but runs into Genie first.  Abu frantically makes noises and gestures to try to indicate what has happened.  [This is a perfect opportunity for Genie to do a Lassie reference.  “What is it, boy? Timmy’s trapped in the well!?”] That’s when Genie sees Iago and the parrot running/flying away with the lamp.  Genie and Abu chase after them.  They are so focused on getting the lamp back that Genie isn’t watching as he runs back smack dab into Jafar.

Jafar recognizes Genie at once as his old slave and Genie is confronted with former master at last.  Genie: “Master! I was just coming to see you and bring you that lamp you sent me to get ten years ago…” He grabs the lamp from Iago and hands it to Jafar.  “So now you’ve got it and I’ll just be going now…” He tries to leave but Jafar stops him.

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Jafar basically coerces Genie into serving him again, either with threats against himself, Abu, Aladdin, or any or all of the above.  Then, he orders Genie to execute the “preparations” Jafar had Genie arrange all those years ago when he first anticipated getting a hold of the lamp.  Genie: “I was afraid of that…”

Back to Aladdin–the Sultan is about to make his announcement about Aladdin and Jasmine when crazy things start happening all at once, most of it mechanical in nature, like iron grates coming down to block off doors and various other devices happening that either 1) lock down the palace or 2) set off traps or other things to cause chaos or entrap the Sultan and the others. (This is the stuff Jafar had Genie set in place before).  After the Aladdin and the others are basically blocked off from escape, another trap is activated that drops a cage or something on top of them.  Aladdin rolls out of the way just in time, but the Sultan and Jasmine are trapped.  Aladdin looks up and sees that Genie is the one working the traps.  Aladdin: “Genie, what are you doing?” Genie: “Sorry, kid.  I got a new master now…”  That’s when Jafar reveals himself.

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Sultan: “Jafar, you vile betrayer!”
Iago: “That’s Sultan Vile Betrayer to you.”

Aladdin realizes that he can still fix this situation.  Aladdin: “Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll just see about that!” He pulls of his turban, intending to give the lamp to the Sultan and thus restore him to power, but the lamp is gone.  Jafar holds it up for all to see, announcing, “Finders-keepers, Abooboo.  By the ancient decrees, he who holds the lamp and what’s within is by all rights Sultan of all the land!” Aladdin yells back, “Well, the joke’s on you, Jafar, because that lamp is empty!”

Laughing maniacally, Jafar opens the lamp and pulls out the Sultan’s ring that was being stored within it for safekeeping.  The Sultan recognizes it (“My ring!”) and Jafar puts it on.  Jafar: “Yes, the Diamond in the Rough, the Sultan’s ring.  And upon my finger, it grants me the throne and all the power that comes with it!”

So, no doubt after a lot of blustering from Jafar, he exposes Aladdin to Jasmine in a short but catchy reprise of “Prince Ali.” [[At this point in the movie, he would be getting shot from the palace on a tower that ends up on a snowy mountain somewhere.  In this case, it’ll have to be something far less cool but it’ll still have to have the danger to Aladdin involved, otherwise why wouldn’t Jafar just kill him outright like he tried to in the first place?]]

This time, Jafar simply hauls off and throws Aladdin from the tower which, in Disney movies, is usually a quick and final end to many, many villains.  Fortunately, Aladdin is a hero, so he makes a (mostly) soft landing as he hits a net trap set up from Jafar’s takeover of the palace.  Unfortunately, it goes off upon impact, and Aladdin is hoisted up into the air, trapped in the net and held up by a rope in a pulley.

[[Sidebar: I know all of this mechanical stuff isn’t a perfect answer to magic.  Wouldn’t someone have noticed all the work Genie had put into the castle behind the scenes? Was he just pretending to renovate it or what? And if it was all hidden somehow, it would have to have a significant amount of camouflage or a hell of a lot of mechanized sliding doors in walls or something.  Just work with me here.  Jafar’s been planning this for a while.]]

Aladdin is stuck for a while, struggling to release himself, but then Abu climbs down from the tree and helps him out by cutting the ropes or chewing him out or something.  Then, together, they decide to sneak back into the castle and help rescue the others and stop Jafar.  Jafar will still have his chance to gloat, to dress Jasmine up in a sexy outfit and have her feed him apples while in chains.  Iago will have his revenge by feeding the Sultan moldy old crackers.  Jafar will still be ordering Genie around to take care of things (after all, he’s not an all-powerful sorcerer now, or even a normal sorcerer, so he needs someone to do the dirty work for him.)

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Aladdin manages to sneak inside and talk to Genie and get his help once more.  Genie: “Al, I can’t help you! I work for Señor Psychopath now.” Aladdin: “Hey, I’m a street rat, remember? I’ll improvise.” And improvise he does, freeing the others with Jasmine’s distracting of Jafar by coming onto him, freeing Rajah to attack Jafar, then doing some sweet street rat jumps and climbing and whatnot to overwhelm Jafar.  I assume that at some point, Jafar will unleash his greatest weapon, a giant snake! (Because, of course, he can’t turn into one himself).  Or maybe it’ll be a pit full of them.  I don’t know.  It’ll be a daring fight.  Abu and Rajah take care of the parrot (presumably by Rajah eating him, or at the very least trapping him in his mouth), the Sultan and Jasmine take care of Iago, and Aladdin and Genie take care of Jafar (presumably by one of Jafar’s own traps.) Agrabah is saved!

The story winds down with Jafar’s punishment being handed down.  “Ten years in the Cave of Wonders outta chill him out!” This way, Genie gets his own form of justice for being so mistreated by Jafar.  Jafar, Iago, and the parrot get dragged away in whatever cage or trap they were caught in, yelling and complaining the entire time.  Before they go, the Sultan gets back his ring from Jafar’s finger.  Sultan: “My family’s ring! I hated being parted from it…” Aladdin hands him the lamp as well.  Al: “I think this belongs to you, too…” Sultan: “This really is the Lost Lamp! By Allah, I never thought I’d live to see it again…” Aladdin: “I’m sorry, it’s empty… When I found it, whatever was inside was already long gone.” Sultan: “My boy, it isn’t empty!” He takes off the lid, and inside along the walls of the lamp are inscribed some words, like, “Wisdom, justice, patience, truth,” etc. Sultan: “Jafar was wrong.  The lamp doesn’t grant any real power.” Aladdin thinks about this, then rereads the lamp’s inscription out loud.  “‘He who possesses the contents of this lamp is deserving of being Sultan.'” He realizes that the lamp’s a symbol about the true power of the Sultan is in his character.

With that last tenet of “truth” in mind, we get back to our original ending with Aladdin apologizing to Jasmine for lying about who he was.  The Sultan changes the law so that Aladdin and Jasmine can get married, and Aladdin officially clears the life debt between him and Genie, and Genie decides to go on permanent vacation.  Happy ending!

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I hope you enjoyed this way-longer-than-expected alternate version of Aladdin.  I tried to stay as true to the original story (because it’s just so good!) as well as trying to stay true to the spirit of it.  It forced me into alternatives I hadn’t thought of originally because of the holes the magic-less universe left behind (like trying to make a magically romantic moment between Aladdin and Jasmine without a flying carpet or having Aladdin somehow ruin his and Genie’s friendship without reneging on the whole freeing-Genie-with-his-last-wish deal.)  I hope you found it as interesting experiment as I did.

Stay tuned for another Disney Without Magic!

Other Disney Without Magic:
Beauty and the Beast

Obligatory copyright notice: All characters and images are owned by Disney.  All Photoshopping is done by me.  This is a fan tribute and no copyright infringement is intended.

Disney Without Magic – Beauty and the Beast

Here’s the first of my hopefully continuing series of “Disney without Magic,” a take on the classic Disney stories that shows what happens when you take out one crucial element: Magic.  First off, Beauty and the Beast.

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Everything starts out the same from Belle’s perspective.  Belle still lives in that small, provincial town where she is seen as a bit of an oddball with her head in the clouds. Let the singing commence.

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Gaston is still infatuated with Belle, and (wisely) she still won’t marry him because he’s positively primeval.

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On the way to take his invention to the fair, Maurice still gets lost in the woods (of course), and is still found by the castle residents and taken in from the rain and the cold for some nice tea by the fire.

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Only this time, Maurice is not greeted by a candlestick and a clock, but by a portly head of household and his skinny compatriot. (There’s no magic, remember? So there’s no curse.  Everyone’s still human.) They argue about what to do about the visitor–Lumiere wants to be hospitable but Cogsworth is afraid of how the Master will react.

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Now here comes the tricky part.  How does the Prince, as he will heretofore be known, react to Maurice’s presence?  He’s still an angry, selfish person.  But he’s not a beast.  The Beast throws Maurice into the dungeon, but only after the Beast catches Maurice staring at him, and he totally overreacts.  That’s not going to happen here.  So, we’ll go back to the original and see how an angry, selfish prince responds to intruders and panhandlers:

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Yup.  That’s right.  The Prince turns Maurice away, shouting, “You’re not welcome here!” then throwing him out into the cold rain.  Let’s cut back to Belle. She gets a (*ahem*) generous proposal from Gaston, which she wisely refuses.

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After which she has a soulful reprise of her earlier song, proclaiming to the world that she wants adventure in the great, wide somewhere (so much more than she can tell in just one short song).  That’s when Phillipe returns, riderless.

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She goes out to find him, but since Maurice has already been kicked out of the castle by this point, she finds him somewhere in the woods.  No wolf attacks (we’ll get one, I promise), and she takes him home.  On the way, Maurice tells her about the castle and its reclusive occupant, to which Belle nods and smiles comfortingly, but makes nothing of.  They return to their ordinary lives.  Gaston still gets to sing about how great he is, followed by Maurice reporting to the townsfolk in the tavern about a mysterious castle in the woods, which no one seems to believe.  “Crazy old Maurice,” they say.  “He’s always good for a laugh.”

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He starts thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know) that he needs to compel Belle to marry him somehow, and he can do it with Maurice as leverage.  He’ll lock Maurice up in the asylum until Belle agrees to marry him.  Cut to creepy asylum guy.

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Gaston explains, “I’ve got my heart set on marrying Belle, but she needs a little persuasion.” With a little money added to the mix, the asylum head takes on the job.  They come for Maurice at night.  It’s easy to rile up the crowd against Maurice.  Sure, it’s not like he was raving about any snarling, monstrous beast (this time), but he does an awful lot of inventing, which involves a lot of explosions and (I’m sure) fires.  He’s a menace to public safety at the very least.

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Belle watches in horror as they take her father away.  He tries to struggle, but he is old and fails at it, and his words fall upon deaf ears. Belle pleads with Gaston, who explains the situation.  He might be able to do something about it if she marries him.  “Never!” she cries.

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[[[Can I just take a sidebar for a minute to say how devilishly brilliant Gaston was about this entire situation? Rewatch the movie, and you’ll notice that LeFou does all of the talking during Maurice’s capture and incarceration.  Gaston is distancing himself from the situation.  It’s not him who’s coming for Maurice; he’s just here to help his future wife out of a jam.  Because he loves her.  He doesn’t really do any talking until Belle fully gets involved, and he doesn’t really talk to the crowd at all until the mirror comes into play.  Instead, Gaston hangs back on the sidelines, just loving this whole thing. Look at this face and try and tell me he’s still the brainless boob everyone takes him for:

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Sidebar over.]]]

Belle refuses Gaston’s help and decides to do things through proper channels.  She talks to the head of the asylum, but of course he’s in Gaston’s pocket.  She isn’t even allowed to see her father under Gaston’s orders.  In the meantime, she needs to get a job to support herself, since being the daughter of a failed inventor meant they didn’t have a lot of money or savings to begin with.  She gets a job helping out at the bookshop. It doesn’t pay much, since Belle was his best (and maybe only) customer, but it’s enough for her to get by for now.

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Gaston can’t handle this.  His girl, working for a living.  Not only is she financially stable enough to avoid his advances, she is doing so much of that foolish thinking.  A new plan had to be made. The bookshop owner doesn’t cave in at first.  Not everyone is as fond of that boorish, brainless Gaston as the rest of the town. But even the staunchest of his opponents can’t hold firm with a hunting musket pointed in his face.

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The bookman has no choice but to let Belle go, with a few parting books as a farewell gift.  Finding another job is a lot harder the next time.  Most of the townsfolk don’t want to work with Belle because she is so odd, her head in the clouds.  The few who might have hired her have made it clear that Gaston has made the same threat all over town, that hiring Belle is a sure way to bring a swift and unexpected end to their business.  The rest spend their time trying to convince her of what a good provider Gaston would be–an endless supply of meats for dinner and pelts for the winter–and that a beauty like her should never have to stoop to working a job. Belle finds that she has no choice but to marry Gaston.

However, Belle is smart, and she makes a condition upon their engagement: she wants her father released.  Gaston is likewise not to be fooled by her ploy, and refuses until after the wedding.  But they strike a deal: she can visit him (“And write to him,” she adds, wisely) until that time.  No more shutting her out.  Gaston agrees.  Belle goes to see her father to tell him her situation and to tell him the good news that he will be released soon.

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She is horrified to find that he has become ill during the intervening days and weeks, and pleads with Belle not to marry Gaston (“Belle, I’m old.  I’ve lived my life”).  He wants her to be happy, not to be forced into this marriage because of him.  He reminds her about the castle he found, with such kind servants (and so many of them!).  Someone as rich as that could afford to hire her on, and what’s more, they couldn’t be intimidated by Gaston.   Belle is kind, intelligent and (probably more important with first impressions with a disagreeable prince) beautiful; they will probably have pity on her and give her a job.  Belle decides to give it a shot, venturing with Phillipe into the forest to the mysterious castle.

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She is greeted by Lumiere and Cogsworth, who are surprised by yet another visitor (a new record!).  She tries to explain her situation to them, telling them how her father is being wrongfully held in an asylum by a man who is trying to force her to marry him, keeping her from being able to support herself with a job by threatening the entire town.  They are moved by her plight, but exchange wary glances.  The Master doesn’t like strangers (or anyone).  However, as they’re talking, the Prince hears them and comes downstairs to investigate the disturbance.

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He turns her away at once, just as he did her father.  She begs him, trying to explain as she did to Lumiere and Cogsworth, but he won’t listen, even after Cogsworth and Lumiere step in to help.  He refuses once more, then skulks away to the West Wing.  Belle is crushed.  It was her one hope and now it is dashed.  Lumiere, however, has pity on Belle, and decides to let her work there anyway.  “Won’t he be mad?” asks Belle.  “Ze Master rarely comes out of eez room,” Lumiere explains.  “Ee will not even notice you are eere.” Cogsworth, of course, has a fit. (“What if the Master finds out?”) Lumiere talks him down in the end.

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This is probably the point in the movie where “Be Our Guest” would come in, some sort of big ensemble number to welcome Belle to the team.  There wouldn’t be dancing plates, but there would still be a giant chandelier, can-can dancing maids and fountains of champagne.

[[Sidebar: We know that Mrs. Potts and Chip both turned into porcelain things, and there are obviously dancing plates and cups, but they don’t have any facial features.  Are they just enchanted, or were they once servants, too? If they were once human, that’s an awful lot of servants for just one person (even more so than the servants we do meet).  Also, if they were human like the rest, what happened to the real plates? I mean, there must have been a normal teapot at some point, so why are they using Mrs. Potts for tea service? “No, let’s totally use the former human beings instead of the cabinet of china.  No one will notice the tea coming out of Mrs. Potts’ nose.”]]

Cut back to the village.  Gaston is furious that Belle’s disappeared, and he realizes that he was fooled by her.  She had asked to visit her father not simply to ensure his safety for the wedding, but to give a final farewell before she skipped town.  He assigns LeFou to watch the asylum, waiting for any sign of Belle’s return for her father or her trying to contact him in any way.

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Meanwhile, Belle works hard, making friends with the staff, drinking tea with Mrs. Potts, playing with Chip, and quite a bit of comic relief from the side characters Madame de la Grande Bouche. [[That’s the name given to the wardrobe in the stage version of Beauty and the Beast.  It aptly translates to Missus of the Big Mouth.  I’m using that name here because I can’t very well call her the Wardrobe since she’s still human.)  Belle discovers the library and spends all her free time there.  The staff warn her to stay out of the West Wing, because that’s where the Master stays and they don’t want her to be discovered.  Belle obeys at first, but she is curious about the mysterious master.  What made him like this? Why does no one come to visit? Why does he have such a grand castle and so many servants when he lives alone?

One night, when the Master is supposed to be at dinner, she sneaks into the West Wing to see this forbidden place.  She finds a bedroom, unkempt and dark.  None of the staff have apparently been allowed to clean it.  It is a reflection of the beast within; he cares for nothing, not even his own things.  Belle spies a portrait on the wall, one she recognizes at once.

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True, he looks a bit younger, a bit better groomed, but it is indeed the master of this castle.  On the bottom of the frame is an engraved brass sign that reads “Prince Adam.”  (Note: according to Disney historical records, this was actually his name). Not only is this man rich, he is a prince! But why is he alone? Shouldn’t a prince be with the rest of the royal family? Where are all the guards, the royal suitors and courtiers?

That’s when the Prince finds her.

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The Prince has a royal (pardon the pun) hissy fit. “Get out!” he bellows. “You’re a prince,” she states, still more shocked by this revelation than by his rage.  “And you’re an intruder.  I threw you out days ago.  Why are you still here?”  She tries to explain her situation but he keeps cutting her off, yelling at her. “You don’t think I’ve had beggars at my door before?”

“I wasn’t looking for a handout,” Belle snaps back.  “I needed a job, and you threw me out without a second thought! What kind of prince is so selfish that–” At this, the prince nearly screams, “I’m not a prince!”  before he tries to rip the painting from its frame in a towering rage with his bare fingers.

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[[Sidebar: Notice the change in the frame.  Yes, I did photoshop a bit in the first picture, but the frame in the untorn painting from the prologue is square and the torn one is rounded.  So, maybe he felt bad about tearing it and reframed it? Yeah, I got nothing.]]

Belle is so terrified that she goes running.  She blows by some of the servants on the stairs, who call after her.  “Job or no job, I can’t stay here another minute!” Lumiere and Cogsworth try to mollify the situation and talk some sense into the Prince, but Belle leaves.  (Enter the wolves.  I promised you they were still coming).

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This part progresses pretty much like the movie.  The wolves attack Belle, the Prince tries and saves her.  As a beast, he used his claws to fight them off; the Prince was only running after her to stop her (no doubt guilted into it by Lumiere), so he is almost certainly unarmed.  This does not bode well for him.  He gets injured, just as he should, and when he passes out, Belle saves him and takes him back to the castle.

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“That hurts!”
“If you hold still, it wouldn’t hurt as much!”
“Well, if you hadn’t run away, then this wouldn’t have happened.”
“If you hadn’t frightened me, I wouldn’t have run away!”
He thinks about it for a moment.  “Well, you shouldn’t have been in the West Wing.”
“Well, you should learn to control your temper.”

In the end, the Prince gives Belle a job, but most of the time he just stews in his room.  He starts getting curious about her, venturing out of his room to see her, watching her in the library, etc.  The prince realizes his new feelings and confesses it to Lumiere and Cogsworth, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” He gives her the library as a present.  (Because that’s what princes do, right?)

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Cue “Something There.”

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Belle starts to realize that something new (and a bit alarming) is happening.  Then she remembers why she is here–it’s for her father.

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She misses him, and wants to know if he’s safe.  There’s no magic mirror this time, and she is employed, not a prisoner in this version, so she doesn’t have to hide her presence here anymore.  She decides to write to her father.  After all, her deal with Gaston is still valid, right?

Meanwhile, the Prince invites her to a formal dinner, followed by dancing.  (Neither of which he is any good at, owing to his years of solitude).  [[Here’s where “Beauty and the Beast” would go.  It’s still an appropriate song, considering that we’re using the “beast” as a metaphor for the Prince’s selfishness and temper, but maybe it gets tweaked a little from the original.]]

That night on the balcony, he confesses to Belle the truth about his past, explaining why he acts the way he does.

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As a child, he thought that being a prince meant that he could do whatever he wanted and that he never had to do anything he didn’t want to.  He skipped out on lessons, was rude to people (even allies and foreign diplomats), avoided all formal responsibilities, etc.  When he was told he would have to marry a princess, an arranged marriage, he also refused (rather bluntly) and nearly caused a war over it.  His parents, as punishment, banished him to this castle with the strict orders that he have no further contact with the life he knew until he decided to grow up and be less selfish.  “You are no longer our son,” they said.  At first, he was happy.  He had everything he wanted or needed, and no one to tell him what to do.  Over the years, the prince realized what he had truly lost, but he grew more and more angry knowing that to return to his old life, he would lose his freedom once more, and he began to believe there was no hope for him at all.

The Prince then asks Belle if she thinks he should go back to his parents, apologize and marry the princess, if only to appease his family.  Maybe he could learn to be happy with her.  (Really, he is asking this to see if Belle has any feelings for him in return.  If she says yes, then he knows there is no hope for them.  If no, then maybe…)

Instead, Belle tears up, thinking of her father.  Maybe she was being selfish, too, that she should just marry Gaston.  He obviously loves her, or at least is so enamored with her that he’s put this much effort into marrying her, so maybe he really would make her happy.  Maybe she should marry him, if only to save her father.  It’s what she was planning on doing in the first place.  Now, she’s basically just hiding from her problems here, rather than facing them.

As she is about to tell the prince about her similar situation, there comes a knock at the door.  It is Gaston (and a bunch of his goons on standby in case of trouble).  He tracked her down by following the messenger that had been delivering Belle’s letters to Maurice.  He sees Belle in her ballgown and the prince in his fine clothes and is furious.  The prince demands to know who this stranger is and why he has come here.  “I’ve come for Belle,” explains Gaston.  “Belle is in my employ and under my protection,” the Prince counters.  “She is not going anywhere unless I say so.” Gaston scoffs.  “We’ll see…” He turns to Belle, turning on the charm.

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“Belle…darling… You should come home.  Your father’s been asking for you.” This gets Belle’s attention.  “He’s gravely ill, and the doctor says he doesn’t have much time left.” At this, Belle realizes that this is a veiled threat.  Her father may indeed be sick (he was when she left), but Gaston is really sending a message.  Gaston is no doubt withholding Maurice’s medicine, possibly even food, to convince her to come home. Then Belle realizes: she didn’t have a way to help her father before, but now she does.  With this new change that’s come over the Prince, he is sure to be willing to help release her father from the asylum, get him food, medicine, a warm place to stay, and she wouldn’t have to marry Gaston.   All of that goes up in a cloud of smoke with just a few choice words.  “Before I set out to find you, Belle, your father told me his final wish was to see his only daughter married.” With this, Gaston turns to the Prince with a triumphant smile.

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“Or didn’t Belle tell you that she was already engaged…to me?” The Prince is crushed and he feels betrayed.  “You’re engaged?” he asks Belle.  “Adam, please… You need to understand–” He won’t have any excuses, his impatience and temper rising.  “Tell me: Are–you–engaged?”  Belle is frantic.  She did promise Gaston, even though she had broken that promise to come work here.  She is nothing if not truthful, and tries to say, “Yes, but–” The Prince turns his back to her.  “Then go.  Your employment is ended.” He leaves without looking back.  As he goes, Belle pleads with him as Gaston takes her (forcefully) away.

Chip is the only one brave enough (or foolish enough) to try to stop him, but Gaston just knocks the boy to the ground.  Meanwhile, the servants try to talk some sense into the prince.  Of course, it is Lumiere who is the expert on matters of love and who sheds some light (get it?) on the subject. “Can’t you see she didn’t want to go?” The Prince is still heartbroken, but covers his feelings beneath his rage. “She is engaged.” Lumiere: “And zo were you.” This stings, but the Prince gets the point.

It is Mrs. Potts who finally explains Belle’s situation, the one she tried to tell him from the very beginning but he was so self-absorbed that he never listened or cared.  She tells him that everything Belle did was for her father, to avoid marrying Gaston, that she had to run away and leave her father behind just to survive.  All she needed was for him (the prince) to think of someone besides himself for once and all of this could have been avoided.  The prince resolves to help Belle, to go after her and stop Gaston.

Cogsworth dons his military hat, announcing, “We need a plan.”

The Prince does not arrive in town until the next morning.  The wedding is already in progress.

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The Prince interrupts the wedding, demanding that Belle be released.  Gaston just laughs and refuses.  Instead, the Prince approaches the altar, making his proclamation to Belle alone, telling her that he paid off the head of the asylum the night before (he’ll do anything if you throw enough gold at him) to free Maurice.  Even now, her father is now safe in the castle, being tended to by a doctor.  “You don’t have to marry Gaston anymore, Belle,” the Prince continues.  However, Belle doesn’t respond. She hasn’t even turned around to face him.  He closes the distance between them, lifts the veil and finds LeFou in a wedding dress (standing on top of a stool, of course).  He jumps out at the Prince, tackling him with a net.  At this signal, a bunch of Gaston’s goons rise from their seats (on the groom’s side, naturally) and restrain the Prince, binding his arms and hands with ropes until he is utterly at their mercy.

“Belle will marry me,” Gaston announces.  “You see, I had LeFou stationed at the asylum last night and he told me all about your little escape plan.  I knew your next step would be something as foolhardy as interrupting my wedding, so I made a few additions to the guest list.” The Prince hangs his head in shame; he should have been less overconfident and been more prepared.  Now, he has failed Belle.  Gaston laughs coldly, seeing the despair on his rival’s face.  “Were you in love with her? Did you honestly think she’d want you when she had someone like me?”

Gaston strides over to where the Prince is being held down to lord his victory over him.  “I want to thank you in advance for the wedding gift.  Belle will simply love the new castle.  But, then again, you won’t be needing it anymore in your new home.”   He kneels down beside him, whispering, “There’s a free cell in the asylum that just opened up last night.” With that, Gaston kicks a boot into the prince’s side, causing him to double over in pain.  Gaston laughs maniacally.

The wedding begins.  Belle is brought out, having been kept under lock and key in her own home until this point.  She sees the Prince bound and restrained and she rushes toward him.  “Adam!” Gaston stops her, restraining her.  She is furious.  First her father–now this? “Gaston, let him go!”

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“I’ll let him go after we’re married,” Gaston promises, but the Prince knows this to be a lie.  “Belle, don’t listen to him!” he shouts.  The goons silence him at once, gagging him.

“Please, Gaston,” she begs, becoming tearful.  “Please.”

“You actually have feelings for this pathetic excuse for a prince? The man who let you be taken away without even a fight? That’s no man; that’s a monster!”  Belle is furious now.  “He’s not the monster, Gaston.  You are!” She breaks free of his grip.  Gaston doesn’t try to get her back, but goes straight for the Prince, taking an axe from one of his goons and lifting it high over his head as if to swing it down upon the Prince’s neck.

Belle rushes forward.  “No, please!” Gaston stops, a self-satisfied smirk forming as he realizes he has won at last.  “I’ll marry you, Gaston, if you promise you’ll spare his life.”  Gaston: “I knew you could be reasonable…”

Ping! The axe flies from Gaston’s hand.  A horde of castle servants, led by Lumiere, Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts, has entered the wedding area, armed with a variety of slapdash weapons.  A zany fight ensues like in the original movie, with butts getting scissored, people chased with cleavers, others getting hit in the head by teacups, etc. Remember this guy?

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This time, he ends up wearing the wedding cake like a dress.

The gang manages to free the Prince, but during the fracas, Gaston gets a hold of Belle.  “It’s over!” shouts Gaston, victorious.  “Belle is mine!”

“How about an exchange?” the prince offers, holding up a struggling LeFou by the collar.  “Belle for…this guy.” LeFou glares at him.

Gaston howls in laughter at this.  “LeFou? He’s just a short, weaseling little brown-noser anyway.  Any one of these oafs could easily take his place.”  At this, LeFou is offended that Gaston would so easily discard him, as are Gaston’s few remaining goons.

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The goons, infuriated by Gaston’s attitude toward them, begin to turn on him with LeFou leading the charge with an angry kick to Gaston’s shin.  In the meantime, Belle escapes into the Prince’s waiting arms as the villagers come with pitchforks and clubs to join the fray.  They come not to Gaston’s aid, however, but fight against him.  These are the people he blackmailed and threatened all in the efforts to win Belle’s hand.  The times are changing.  Gaston’s no longer everyone’s favorite guy, and they’re no longer awed and inspired by him, but ready for payback.

Belle, the Prince and the castle folk all make a hasty exit.  “Wait,” Belle says, suddenly.  “What about my father?”  “He’s safe,” assures the Prince, and he explains everything.  Back at the castle, Belle is reunited with her father.  The prince offers to finance all of his inventions and give them anything they need, even a new place to live.  For the first time, he is actually more concerned with someone else’s happiness than his own.  “And what if I want to live here?” asks Belle.  The prince smiles.  “Then you can stay here for as long as you’d like.”

“How about forever?” They kiss.

Cue ballroom scene and “Beauty and the Beast” reprise.

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Roll credits.

I’m a fan of ‘what-ifs’, so to this what-if story, I had to ask myself, “What now?” What happens to Belle and Prince Adam? I wrote a backstory for him to explain why this prince was all alone even before he would be cursed into a beast (something I’ve always wondered).  There had to be a reason, and that would have to be that he was selfish.  For a prince, that’s just not going to be tolerated.  But, now that Belle and her prince are living happily ever after and the prince is no longer spoiled and selfish, would he ever see his family again? Would it be Belle who prodded her husband into making amends with his family? Would his change in attitude excuse his choice of his new wife? Would they welcome Belle into their family, or shun her for being so provincial? Would they be happy to see their son married and content, or still be fuming about his botched arranged marriage? Or would Belle and Adam start a new life together, content to live in their castle in the woods, or would they start a new adventure in the great, wide somewhere?  I leave those questions to you. 

Stay tuned for future installments of Disney without Magic!

Bonus:
After the credits (and the obligatory Disney logo), there’s a rousing chorus of “My What A Guy, LeFou” in honor of the man who freed the town from the now-hated Gaston.

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I’m not sure what the villagers did to Gaston; no falling off a tower for him this time.  Maybe they forced him out of town.  Maybe LeFou punches Gaston for saying stupid things now, or made Gaston into his errand boy, or throws chairs on top of him for a change.  One thing’s for sure, a Disney movie’s probably not going to show any fate that is too gruesome, though there is a lot more space for mounting heads on the wall of the hunting lodge… I’ll leave that up to your imaginations.

 

Update: Photoshopped pictures are a little more consistent between elements.  It’s been bugging me for a while, but starting with low-res pics means crap results.  Whatever.